Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
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My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
#TopTip
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My whole life was a lie.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.