being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
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If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
At least he brought enough for everyone
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.