Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

Writing, She Murdered.

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.