Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.