Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
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Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.