Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
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Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
You can’t outrun your problems…
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep