Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple