Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
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* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Cha-ching is my safe word
*sewing*
A thread
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”