Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery