Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

I can’t stop watching this.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not