Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything