Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

R.I.P.

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

sounds kinky. i’m in.

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer