Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
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To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I’m not sorry.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*