Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
You Might Also Like
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.