Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
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Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
i’m sure it’s fine
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.