Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

😆

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine