Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
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Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
mentally somewhere in italy
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
#oldknees
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh