Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
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I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Go gym
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense