Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
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Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy: