Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
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[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
guys I’m going home
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese