Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

Cow it started Cow it’s going

When I snag the last meatball.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher