Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.