Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
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My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Otters see a butterfly.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy