Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”