Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
