Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Me when my alarm goes off
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.