Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?