Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Taliband
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
dogs can find happiness so easily
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.