Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
You Might Also Like
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.