Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
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coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips