Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
Thaw me like one of your french fries
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.