Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.