Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
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My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
how was your vacation
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard