Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

My dog ate my work from home.

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

having children is a pyramid scheme.

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

never forget

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.