Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.