Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
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Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
what’s really going on
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
She puts the hot in psychotic
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Ovenable?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet