Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
*seductively eats two tums*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.