Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
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I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football