Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
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“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
