Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
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I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My neck, my back, my…
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Herpes is trending, good job people
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it