being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
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My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
PARKOUR
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.