[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
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Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.