Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
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me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Heroic Misunderstanding
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope