Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
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[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”