being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
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“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen