Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

O Wise One….

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Monday

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD