Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?