Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
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Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine