Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
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*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Lmao 😁
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.