Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
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My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Stop
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.