Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
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Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.