Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

We will use anything but the metric system

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.