Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
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[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
I identify as an antique shop.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Lmao
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones