Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

TODAY

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey