Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
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I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.