Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
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[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
is this a threat
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.