being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
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[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
For anyone who needs this today
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty