being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
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Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Welcome to the stomach
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.