being a writer on Twitter:
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Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
something like this could probably happen to anyone
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing