being a writer on Twitter:
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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
How tf did it end up there?
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?