Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Breaking news:
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it