Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!