*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I am, perchance
Become ungovernable.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
We’ve all been there
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.