*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
You Might Also Like
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I support this random dude and all his protests
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.