*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
“I don’t know where this rumor started, but Company and I are just good friends.” -Misery
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
this is so accurate
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Oh ya, let’s sit down and talk about it!
*That’s how I end and win any argument with hubby.