@TragicAllyHere

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

@angrypumpkins

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

@_Water_Baby

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

@rolldiggity

“I don’t know where this rumor started, but Company and I are just good friends.” -Misery

@Kids_kubed

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

@Miniwheats2012

Oh ya, let’s sit down and talk about it!

*That’s how I end and win any argument with hubby.