Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.