Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

The glory of fall.

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

they really do be looking like this

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute