being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
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Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
It be like that sometimes 😆
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]