Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
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Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…