Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
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The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
S O O N
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.