Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.