Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
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Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates