Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
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Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
i’m sure it’s fine
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
emergency phone
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Good point.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.