Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
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“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Got a light
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.