Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
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“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers